The Washington Presidents: Abraham Lincoln, Batsman Slayer


Stealing an idea from the great comedian Greg Proops, I have endeavored to fill out a major league roster composed entirely of Presidents of these United States. The Presidents’ positions on the team and in the lineup shall be determined by the physical and mental attributes of the given Commanders in Chief, as I evaluate them. My personal biases and preferences will, of course, play a crucial role. For example, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Andrew Johnson will not set foot on the field of play as long as I’m filling out the lineup card.

Abraham Lincoln, Starting Pitcher

Given the fact that 2012 has been the Year of Lincoln, what with the Spielberg movie and the vampire hunting and whatnot, let us begin with the Great Railmancipator, Abraham Lincoln, my favorite and, dare I say, the best president. At 6’4”, Lincoln was our tallest president, and considering that most 19th Century Americans could fit comfortably inside a bowling bag, he was clearly an imposing figure. Lincoln spent his early adulthood as a hired laborer, and was known to enjoy a lively grapple. He is the most accomplished president from a literary standpoint (The Gettysburg Address kicks the Declaration of Independence’s ass, and don’t get me started on that second inaugural!), a brilliant political strategist and the possessor of a probing and honest intellect. All of these traits combine, in my mind, to form the perfect starting pitcher. You’re talking about a guy with the body of Nolan Ryan and the mind of Greg Maddux. Lincoln could snap off high 90s heat that would seem even faster due to his huge reach, and fool batters with a dizzying array of off speed stuff. Truly, the ace of any pitching staff.

Comparable players: Roy Halladay, Randy Johnson


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