The Washington Presidents’ pitching staff is already looking good, with Abraham Lincoln anchoring the rotation with his formidable mixture of pure power and guile. But ask any Dodgers fan and they’ll tell you: having a “true ace” is not enough. That’s why the Dodgers just gave all of the money to Zack Greinke. So who will back up Honest Abe in our rotation? I’ve got someone in mind. He’s got Lincoln’s impressive height, a somewhat lower ceiling for greatness, but he makes up for some of that with sheer grit…’grit’ in this instance referring to ‘willingness to cheat in order to win.’
Lyndon Johnson, Starting Pitcher
LBJ was not as great or as good a president or human as Abraham Lincoln, but he certainly had greatness within him. The Civil Rights Act, The Voting Rights Act, Medicare — it’s hard to find many presidents who can match those accomplishments. Of course, there aren’t many presidents who blundered as badly as Johnson did in Vietnam, either.
With a 6’4″ frame and a notorious ability to intimidate, he could dominate any hitter he faced. He didn’t have Lincoln’s intellect, so he’d struggle to find effective compliments for his powerful fastball. If he started getting lit up, though, Lyndon Johnson would not hesitate to utilize anything to get an edge. Spitballs, Vaseline, a strategically placed thumbtack, sandpaper in the brim of his cap. This is the man who funded his first House race by becoming a wholly-owned subsidiary of Brown and Root, and who won his Senate seat by running up huge vote margins among the dead and disinterested in rotten boroughs along the Rio Grande. Lyndon Johnson would not allow a little thing like ‘ethics’ get in the way of winning.
Comparable players: Gaylord Perry, Don Drysdale