The Washington Presidents: Third Base!

Say what you will about the current Commander in Chief: that he’s a radical Marxist (ha!), the greatest progressive president since LBJ, or a drone-drunk neoliberal sellout (I’m listening…), one thing is indisputable: Barack Obama is the COOLEST president in American history. Part of that is due to the racially-charged nature of the concept of “cool” (African Americans will always be “cooler” than Caucasians), part of it is due to Obama’s very real nonchalant sangfroid. Remember the Jay-Z shout-out “dirt off the shoulder” moment? The Al Green moment in Harlem? Can you even conceive of another president pulling that off without making everyone within a ten mile radius projectile vomit? It’s not possible. So if Obama is the “coolest” U.S. president in American history, what is the appropriate position for him?

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Barack Obama, Third Base

For my money, third base is the coolest spot on the diamond. Third basemen are required to exhibit the perfect balance of defensive ability and offensive prowess. They are expected to flash leather, but also belt dingers, while first basemen never get to exhibit much in the way of defensive ability, and second basemen are patted on the head if they can manage ten homers a year. Think of the greatest third basemen of recent history: Mike motherfucking Schmidt, George mothertrucking Brett, Wade “chickenplucking” Boggs. These are cool dudes. And the fact that third base has the fewest Hall of Fame players of any position only increases the cool factor. Exclusivity!

Comparable Players: Ron Santo, Eddie Matthews

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One comment

  1. thefantasypronk

    George Brett is cool? He did shit his pants at the Bellagio and handled it with grace and humor.

    LBJ for manager. According to George Costanza, LBJ used to hold staff meetings in the mens room and he is to be feared as he is rumored to have had a hand in se7en murders. Including those of his sister and, questionably, JFK.

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