Hey Kid, How My Taint Smell?

Mascots are scary. Here is some proof:

Nothing, just rubbing my taint in the face of an unsuspecting child on national television while wearing a creepy-ass rain slicker and being a fuzzy, anthropomorphized booger.

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Now Pitching for the Royals, Ryan Jones

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For my daughter’s tenth birthday, I did what any good father would do and I took her out of school early. I showed shows up to surprise her at 10am on her 10th birthday for a day of, what else, baseball.

Earlier in the month while driving around, my daughter and I were talking about how the Royals had gotten hot recently and how exciting it was to see good baseball this late into the season. During this drive my daughter reached into my center console and grabbed my Royals schedule and sighs: there was no game scheduled for August 26th, her birthday. She was excited to see that there was a game on my birthday, but quickly disappointed to learn it was an away game.

Being the consummate baseball lover that I am, I had remembered that the Royals and Rays had a game that was snowed out earlier this year. Recently, the game had been rescheduled for make up on August 26th. Even more exciting was that it was a 1:10pm start time — a good enough reason as any to take her out of school early.

So at 10am on her birthday, off to the Royals game we went. I had purchased seats just behind first base about 25 rows back. On the way to the K we stopped and picked up giant-sized bottles of water and some BBQ sunflower seeds. We arrived at about 11am and started to prep for tailgating.

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Kansas City to Cooperstown…err…Canton

With the first pick in the NFL draft the Kansas City Royals select…

You may have only thought you’ve heard those words before. While the Kansas City Chiefs have done a lackluster job of drafting in the NFL the Kansas City Royals will not be outdone. Despite only having drafted 1 MLB Hall of Famer the Royals have managed to grab 3 NFL Hall of Famers over the years.

John Elway and Dan Marino were both select in ’79 by KC.
Elway

Marino

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Kenneth Gonzales Don’t Know Bo

BoBreakerDiamond Mines has published four reports by Kansas City Royals scout Kenneth Gonzales regarding the skills of dual-sport legend Bo Jackson. In less than one year’s time, Gonzales gave two very dissimilar reviews: in April 1985 Gonzales calls Jackson the best athlete in America; less than a year later, he can’t find many kind words for Mr. Jackson.

BoJacksonReports

Edwin Encarnación: Pogo Dong

E5-Bat-Hop-CroppedRemember when you were a kid, how any object might substitute for any similarly shaped object that popped into your imagination?

Remember how, as a kid, sometimes you didn’t know what certain things were used for, like when you mistook your sister’s dildo for a flashlight during a power outage?

Well, Edwin Encarnación is like a kid out there. For Edwin Encarnación, a bat is a dong is a pogo stick, back and forth forever.

The Biggest Loser

image (1)Timmy Lincecum (9) is currently two losses away from league leader Cole Hamels (11) now and if he finishes first in losses he will join Steve Carlton and Orel Hershiser as the only Cy Young Award winners with two seasons as the league leader in losses.

Zack Greinke, Barry Zito, LaMarr Hoyt, Denny McLain, Justin Verlander, Brandon Webb, Tom Glavine, Steve Carlon, Doug Drabek, and Vida Blue have all won the CYA and all led the league in losses. McLain leads with 22 losses in one year.

Knucksie Phil Neikro had a season where he led the league in wins and losses, at 21-20. He also reached the HOF despite leading the league in losses four straight years. Phil never won a CYA, but he once finished 2nd.

Funny enough, the career leader in losses is the man himself, Cy Young, who led the league in losses only once, in 1906.

Found Poem: Malibu Police Chief’s Reaction to this Photo*


This photo was taken at a Malibu beach house party moments before this guy was thrown out.

Baseball’s America’s sport, plain and simple
And it’s taken that bat and penetrated deep, deep into our nice, quiet country
You look at this guy, for instance
This loss
This happy-go-lucky burn bag, never played a game of baseball in his life
Never even watched an inning or two on TV, much less got off his
ugly fucking goldbricking ass
and attended a damned game
Look at the track marks on his right arm — he’s a god damned junkie
I’ve seen this bum; he wanders the streets at night with nothing but that headlamp
He’s counting down the minutes till his next fix
He’s sucking around, sucking off the system
Sucking off guys for cash in bus stop restrooms
But baseball has seeped into every part of America, not just the good parts
The bums and degenerates, deadbeats and cocksucker junkies
They’ve all picked up an artifact of the game and deposited in into their shopping carts at some point
That cap this guy’s wearing?
Calls it his “baseball cap”
Found it on the side of the road somewhere
His shirt has a baseball player right on it
It’d be sad if it wasn’t so goddamned disgusting
But baseball’s America’s sport
Plain and simple
Me, I always preferred golf myself

*Poem found by our good friend John LaConte